Dear Roommates

Dear Roommates,

As you all know, it is that wonderful time of year when we have the opportunity to cut our losses, make amends, and start fresh- yes, it’s time to resign our apartment’s annual lease.

I know this apartment has its flaws- the five flights of stairs, the pack-a-day neighbor, the pipes that resemble jackhammers throughout the cold, winter nights, and the perpetual mysterious stench emitting from the refrigerator, but need I remind you that we have hit the jackpot with this apartment?  Really, living in the heart of the village for the rate we pay is a steal- we’re practically robbing the city! Remember that we are truly #blessed.

Now, I know both of you feel that your rooms are slightly claustrophobic seeing as your mattresses double as the floor,  but take it from the gal in the room three times the size of yours- even with the extra space, my room is still VERY small. I can only fit my queen-size bed, my full-size futon, and my six-drawer dresser.   Yes, I have my bedside table, bookshelf, and coat rack, too, but those items are so sizably insignificant that they hardly count.  You know I’m serious about this, because I recently had to go as far as to rid my teeny-tiny walk-in closet of a few items of clothing because my online shopping habit got a bit out of control, ha!

So, while I agree it’s not the most ideal situation, for the amazing location of our place and the fantastically low rent, we’re all very lucky to live here.  I would seriously caution you against leaving such a good situation.

If you’re still feeling uncertain, need I remind you that we all have windows. We have windows in our bedrooms, for God’s sake! Some of my friends’ servants- I mean, roommates- don’t have a single window in their bedrooms to look out at the beautiful world around them. Imagine how they feel. They most certainly wouldn’t be complaining about only being able to fit a bed and a single occupant in their bedroom if they were in your sunny shoes!

Think about it this way: you can both count the kitchen area as part of your own personal space, because I know Melissa is keeping her steam iron in the corner behind the microwave and Jen is storing her Titos and Jose Cuervos bottles on top of the fridge. Yes, the cookbooks, stack of unopened mail, and three lunch boxes also on the fridge are mine, but it’s a common space, I’m allowed to keep things out there too, God.

Anyway, it has come to my attention that you both feel it would be fair if we prorated the annual rent increase based on room size. While I totally see where you’re coming from, that’s simply not how things work. Again, you’re REALLY lucky to live in this apartment, so I’m not trying to be rude when I say that you should shut up and count your blessings. I’m only trying to help you gain a fresh perspective. There’s a homeless man who lives outside our building, and you can’t be bothered to cough up a little additional rent to live in your fabulous, private, windowed rooms?

Frankly, the fact that you want me to pay half of the rent increase is just insane. When we moved into this apartment, I dictated the rent breakout so I would pay $50 more than both of you for my room, which was very generous. You’re each paying less than $1,100 to have a bed in the heart of the Village. Did I mention that’s practically robbery? Also, we’re not just paying for our bedrooms, you know (read: the steam iron and the liquor bottles.)

I’m already paying more than my fair share for my room, which, again, is a small room compared to people who live in the suburbs. Asking me to pay half of the rent increase is a ridiculous demand and a ridiculous amount of money. That amounts to an additional $50 per month, and you must not understand how much $50 a month is. That kind of expense would put a serious dent in my online shopping and Seamless habits (I already can’t afford to tip the delivery guys). I’d probably have to stop ordering pick-up laundry service and online ordering my share of household supplies to make up for that, and is that really what you want? This place would be littered in dirty clothing and you two would have nothing to clean the kitchen and bathroom with!

Before you get any ideas, no, switching rooms is not an option. I need space to live. I’m not saying that you don’t have space (because your rooms are plenty big and you’re super lucky to have them), I’m just saying you don’t have the amount of space that I’ve personally grown accustomed to. I will be keeping my space and I will be keeping my money, and that’s how things are going to be. If you’re going to whine about it, need I remind you that my mother is a loan shark? If you have a problem with this set-up, you can move out, but remember that an apartment as great and cheap as ours literally does not exist. This city might seem big, but it’s actually quite small, and you’ll end up in a windowless dungeon for the crazy prices you want to pay!

Living in New York is about sacrifices. You both have to make your smaller spaces work, and I had to buy a futon.

By the time you read this letter, I will already be on my way to the landlord’s office to resign the lease. You’re welcome to resign and be mature adults by paying what I decide that you pay. If not, I don’t need you. There are a lot of fine folk on Reddit and Craigslist just dying for a room with a window.